Missing her

Tonight while the girls were in the bath, I sat with them and watched the video from my mom’s funeral on my ipod. It was the first time since we first got back from California. (Last time I tried to watch it I got really emotional so it’s been a while). I made it through the first few minutes before I started to tear up so I put it down. I love watching it. It’s beautiful- especially for how little time we had to compile the pictures and choose the music. Most of the pictures flood me with memories and while I love the way that feels, it makes me stop and wonder how I’m supposed to keep going without her, without that constant voice that almost feels like my life’s narrator with all the advice, encouragement, and reassurance she’s provided for me… always. I find that I’m constantly asking myself things like: “why didn’t I have a file where I kept all her notes and birthday cards from all these years?” and “why didn’t I save those cute messages she left on my voicemail?” Well, the answers to both questions are obvious and one and the same- of course I thought there would be plenty more of those. I was looking through my emails today desperate to read something she had written to me and found hardly anything recent, and I started to wonder why, until I realized that we were on the phone nearly every day. That’s no help to me at all right now. I can’t read our phone conversations.

I looked up from the ipod with tears in my eyes and my two little girls were looking up at me, and I could see my mom in their sweet little faces. So I got them ready for bed and Franny and I settled in on the couch and she took one earbud and I took the other and we watched the rest of the video. I want to be able to look at pictures and videos of Grandma with Franny. I want her memories of her grandma to carry on as long as possible because she and Sophie are the only ones who were privileged enough to be grandmothered by my mom on this earth. My mom loves my girls so much. Several times while we were on the phone in the past few months, when we’d talk about what Franny and Sophie were doing, she would start to cry because she missed them so much. I felt so bad. She would apologize because she wasn’t trying to make me feel bad. I didn’t know this until recently, but sometimes she’d have to get up from the computer while she was looking at my blog, because seeing their pictures reminded her how much she was missing them. Franny loved watching the video with me. I think she and I will watch it often. She especially loved the picture of her kissing Grandma on the cheek.

Before we left California, Bobby suggested I take something of my Mom’s. I didn’t want to take any important fixtures of the house or anything really important to my mom, because I didn’t want to upset things too much for the sake of my sisters and my Dad. I did however want something meaningful to my Mom and I, so I took her beach sandals. My mom has had these since before I was born! She went with my Dad's family to Hawaii when they were first married and bought them there. When I was in high school I wanted these flip-flops and asked her for them a number of times. It became a joke between us. I would ask her every once in a while, knowing full well that her answer would be no. I've been wearing them and once when I saw them on the floor next to the door, for a split-second I actually thought, “my mom’s here!” That was sad, but I got past it and it’s been fun to have something of hers. Also her voice is still on her cell phone recording. I call it every once in awhile just to hear her voice. One of these days I ought to leave a message for her and say, “Ha ha, I got your flip-flops!”