You suck, July 14

I really hate that I have a day of the year that I can't be happy on. At least for the time being. It's just a day. Something really sad happened to me and my family four years ago on that day, but it's still just another summer day. As the day approached, I actually felt like it wasn't going to bother me this year. Then I woke up at 4:00 AM to Bobby's R2D2 notification message on his phone, and then Franny was up using the bathroom at 4:30, and that was it, I couldn't fall back asleep. Neither could Franny, as it seems, because she thought it would be a good idea to wake Claire up at 6:15. I'm finally drifting off when I hear Franny saying over the monitor, "Good morning, Claire! Time to wake up!" And I knew it was game over. The worst day of the year for me had started four hours earlier than usual. (My kids have been sleeping in until 8:00 AM ever since we got back from California and it's awesome!)

I told Bobby that day felt a little bit like walking into a brick wall when you're not paying attention. And then you're flat on your back looking up and that brick wall thinking, "Man, I should have seen this coming." I also feel like summer betrayed me by taking my Mom in July. Summer is supposed to be happy and carefree! Something like this should have happened in January or February. I can't say this around Bobby or Franny because their birthdays both fall during this time, but those are my least favorite months. So cold, so quiet- a perfect time to wear sweats all day and no makeup and bake a lot of treats and do nothing.

This year July 14 started off kind of rough, but it got better. I took one of my pie crusts out of the freezer, rolled it out and filled it with raspberries and peaches and then put a crumb topping on it. Delicious! It felt to good to bake.
Then Claire went down for a nap and I put a movie on for the girls and gave them instructions not to wake Mommy up for anything less than an emergency. And not a bathroom emergency. Franny did come in once to tell me that Sophie pinched her but not before I got a good hour of sleep in, and I was satisfied with that. It made such a difference. Then we spent the afternoon outside eating popsicles and visiting with our neighbors Lydia and Amanda while the girls played in our inflatable pool.
The day just got better and better. After that we ate calzones for dinner- those really hit the spot- and off to Sophie's last T-ball game of the season. This was her first year and she did so well! I was so proud. This was our first time participating in a sports team of any kind. It was all very new to me because I never played sports of any kind growing up, aside from P.E. "I'm not very athletic." I felt a little nervous and awkward the first few games, but by the end, I felt pretty comfortable. I think for sure we'll do it again next year. Sophie payed close attention and chased after every ball and caught more than her share. We were very impressed. And by the end of the season we noticed she was hitting the ball much farther than at the beginning.
I am hoping that at as the years pass, it will get a little easier to face July 14. My cousin told me that they call the day his father passed away "Happy Deathday." He said because his Dad was such a fun happy guy, it made sense to get together for a party even if he couldn't be there physically. I hope I get there sooner rather than later. I know my mother would prefer that.
Raspberry Peach Pie with Crumb Topping
from Equal Opportunity Kitchen

For the Filling:

6-7 ripe, but firm white or yellow peaches, washed and chopped with skins on. (You can also remove the skins (if desired) by blanching the peaches in boiling water for 30 seconds and then putting them in an ice bath. The skin should peel off.)

1 pint raspberries

1/2 lemon, juiced

1/4 cup brown sugar (depending on the sweetness of the fruit and your taste)

3 tablespoons cornstarch or potato starch

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

For the filling I chopped up 6 or 7 peaches. Toss them with a pint of raspberries and the lemon juice.

Combine the brown sugar with the cornstarch, salt and ground ginger in a small bowl. You want to mix all of these ingredients until they are well combined before sprinkling over the fruit.

Crumble Top

3/4 Cup Flour
1/2 Cup Brown Sugar
1/2 Cup Walnuts (optional – I didn’t add this)
1/2 Cup Oatmeal
1/2 Cup Butter (cold)
1/4 Teaspoon Salt

I just mixed the ingredients together with a fork and spread it evenly on top of the filling. Actually, I had too much crumble, so I only used about 2-3 of the crumble mixture for the pie.

I then put the pie in the oven at 350 F for about one hour. Serve with ice cream.

Claire's blessing day

I normally would spend much longer writing a post like this, but since it must be done, it must be done quickly! I have so very little time for blogging these days.

This post may seem a bit more personal than my typical posts. But it's got to be recorded and it's an opportunity for me to share a little of my testimony, which I should probably be doing more of.

Claire's blessing day was perfect. We planned to have it while my mother-in-law Louise was here helping with the baby, and Bobby's brother Wes and his family came, too. I slept as late as I could the night before since Claire woke up at 3 AM ready to party and we were running out of time. Bobby took everyone to the church early and left Sophie, Claire, and I at home to finish getting ready. I wanted to give Claire a bath or at least wash her hair, but I looked at the clock and knew there wouldn't be time. Louise had told me about a baby blessing she was at where the mother of the baby kept the whole congregation waiting because she was "fixing the baby's hair." I did not want to be that person. :) I started dressing Claire in the blessing dress that my Mom made for Franny and all of the sudden I felt so good. My eyes started to tear up. It just felt like my Mom was right there with me watching me as I got Claire ready for her blessing. Sophie started asking questions about the dress so we talked about Grandma for a minute. We put Claire's bonnet on and got in the car to hurry over to the church. As I walked in to the church building I could hear the music playing and once we reached the chapel we quickly found Bobby and sat down. When I realized what they hymn was, my eyes filled with tears and my heart nearly burst: "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." My mother's favorite hymn. I've noticed it's often played at meetings I've been at on the toughest days since she passed: near/or on the anniversary of her death, her birthday, Mother's Day... I didn't know it was her favorite hymn until we sang it at her funeral. So I can't hear it without thinking of her. I love this song because it's such a beautiful and descriptive testimony of the Savior. It covers so much of what he does for us. So when I hear this song, I feel so loved by both my Mother and my Savior.

I thought of what I must look like to the people sitting around me: the epitome of the new mother- all emotional and hormonal. I mean, I just walked in, sat down, and immediately started crying. That's so weird! Bobby noticed and asked me if I was okay and I told him it was my mother's favorite song. Soon after that he was standing up and giving our third daughter a blessing as beautiful as the ones he gave our other daughters. He sat down with me and held Claire and we smiled as she spit up just about everything she consumed from her last feeding. He looked at me and whispered how sweet it was that all of our daughters had been blessed in the same gorgeous dress. He asked me if I was going to bear my testimony. I told him I hadn't decided yet- I was still a bit emotional and afraid I wouldn't get through it. When it seemed clear to him that I probably wouldn't, he went up to bear his. He talked about how his heart went out to me because I had lost my Mom, how sweet it was to have my mom there with us in a way since she had made that beautiful dress, and then to sing her favorite song- a testimony of Jesus Christ and how he lives to wipe away our tears and calm our troubled hearts. He talked about how touched we were to feel her there on such an important day. I was especially touched to hear Bobby saying all the same things I was thinking without even having the opportunity to discuss them together. So I left that chapel feeling the utmost gratitude. I was grateful for our sweet baby Claire, for family who came so far to be with us, for a righteous husband who knows and loves me, for feeling my mother's presence on that special day, and for my loving Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that He lives.
Family picture taken by Jen. I love the way everyone looks except for me. This pregnancy did a real number on me!

I love this group so much! (Not pictured: Colton and Nicole.) Thanks for coming out to celebrate with us! Thanks Louise and Jen for helping me feed everyone! Thanks Jen for all the beautiful pictures!

It was fun to share Claire's blessing day with little Henry Holmes. He's so cute! Stephanie and Brendon are some of our favorite people! (Brendon is my brother-in-law Grant's (Julia's husband) brother. So we're practically related.)

Thanks

I wanted to thank everyone who left comments and sent emails yesterday. I never did figure out the right thing to do- we had dance lessons, Family Home Evening (the girls started getting an allowance yesterday), homework, and I babysat a 6-month old all day yesterday- but at least I have a plan for next year thanks to you and all your suggestions. I think maybe a little birthday party would be nice, and I loved the idea of a video. I think my kids would really enjoy that. I have some footage of her talking, laughing, playing with the kids. It would be nice to put all of that onto one DVD. So that is on my list of things to do for next year. I'll have some See's standing by too, just in case. :)

March 1st

For as long as I can remember, I've always known that my Mom's birthday was on the first day of March. It's a pretty easy date to remember. Today she would have turned 55. It's the third birthday to have passed since her death and I still don't know what to do with it. Any suggestions? The first year I sent gifts to my family members, because I thought the one way I could do something for my mom was by serving the people she loves the most. Now I feel like if they are lucky enough to have the day pass and not remember, then I don't want to be the one to remind them. Last year I did something but I don't remember what. So obviously not a keeper. I considered briefly this morning baking a cake and having a birthday party, but that just seems kind of weird and I don't really feel like celebrating anything.

I would like to celebrate that I only have a little over a month left for this pregnancy. But it also reminds me that another milestone in my life is approaching that my Mom won't be here to physically witness. I've never left the hospital with a new baby without my Mom there to help and keep me company. It's not that I don't think I can do it without her. I know I can do it. At least I think I can do it. It would just be a lot more fun if she were going to be around.

Maybe the thing to do on her birthday is watch a movie and eat See's candy? Mental note: next February, order some See's candy and have it on the ready for March 1st. You residents of Utah and California don't know how good you have it.

It's been a long time since I've written about my Mom. It's not for lack of thinking of her. She is very often on my mind. And very often discussed in our home, thanks to Sophie. Man, it's a good thing she wasn't old enough to talk when my Mom passed away. I don't think I could have handled it then. This kid is inquisitive- full of questions about my Mom. It's very sweet but sometimes her questions feel a little bit like a kick in the stomach. Of course she doesn't have any idea. The line of questioning usually starts with, "what are my grandma's names?" (Louise and Marianne). "And Louise lives in Idaho?" (yes) "And Marianne died?" (yes) "But I don't want her to died. Can she get better?" She's just curious about Grandma, where she is, what happened to her and why? I've learned to have a sense of humor about her curiosity. The first day we were in California, we were at Julia and Grant's house meeting the babies when my grandparents rode in. Sophie heard all of us calling my Dad's mom, "Grandma," and she ran up to me with excitement and exclaimed, "Grandma's not dead anymore!!" At those moments, when you can either choose to laugh or cry, I try really hard to laugh. But it really makes me happy that she wants to talk about grandma so often. It's very sweet.

Well, I hope one of these years I figure out something to do on her birthday. Something that simultaneously honors her memory, comforts the people she loves the most, and also makes me feel better. Hmmm... sounds like a tall order. Maybe chocolate and a movie is the way to go... I'll let you know. There's got to be some chocolate around here somewhere...

Love At Home

I don't want to blog tonight. I just don't feel like it. But I keep coming back to this computer. I keep clicking on "New Post." Then I keep walking away. I don't think I'm going to be able to go to sleep tonight until I do it. So I'll just do it so I can go to bed already.

My Mom's birthday has always crept up on me. February is such a short month and March 1st always comes before I know it. So when I was sitting in church today and saw the date on the newsletter I received in Relief Society, I nearly jumped out of my chair. I thought about it once last week, but then not again. Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 54. One of my first thoughts that horrible night in July 2007, when I began to understand that my Mom wasn't going to make it was, "but I still haven't bought her a birthday present!" I always thought it was kind of weird that was one of the first places my mind went.

There's not a lot I have to say tonight about my Mom's birthday. It's been interesting though, how all weekend my thoughts have turned to my family. Not just my immediate family, but my extended family. Sants, Meibos's, Warners, and Kimballs- all of them. And most if not all of these thoughts led to memories that included my mom. I always knew there was something about this Sunday School teacher I really liked that reminded me of someone. I finally figured out today that person is my Uncle Kevin (my dad's brother.) I've always loved the story my Mom used to tell of when my Mom and Dad were engaged and the whole family went to pick up Kevin after his mission at L.A.X. It was the first time she ever met him and my mom and Kevin argued the whole way home. He was probably spouting off about something my Mom didn't agree with and she took offense and let him have it. So funny. It reminded me of how much fun Sunday dinners were at my Grandma's house in Provo. How much I love my cousins and how nice it was to see them so often. Last night we were watching Law and Order and one of the characters was a judge who was suffering from dementia and had to step down from the bench. I thought it was so sad and Bobby reminded me of my Uncle Merlin and how sharp his memory was even in his late nineties. How he could remember so many of his life experiences and recount them in great detail, remembering the names of people and the year these experiences occurred. It was so hard for my Mom when her Uncle Merlin passed away. We all loved him very much. Then the practice hymn today in R.S. was "Love at Home." That reminded me of my great aunt Marinette. Good old Aunt Marinette. My Mom used to tell us this story about when she used to visit them when she was a kid. If she was in town and my mom and her siblings were fighting, Aunt Marinette would follow them around the house singing, "Love at Home" under her breath and it would drive them crazy. Then I thought about this time that Aunt Marinette was visiting us in Huntington Beach and my Dad took us all to see "Back to the Future 2." When we walked out of the movie my Mom was ticked. She was like, "Cole, I can't believe you took us to see this movie." She didn't think it was appropriate for us kids or Aunt Marinette. "And with my Aunt Marinette here!" Then my aunt piped in with, "The last movie I saw in the theater was Pinocchio." Classic.

People play that game the six degrees of Kevin Bacon or whatever. I haven't tested this theory, but I'm pretty sure I could link every aspect of my life to my mother in some way. At least I felt like that at the time of her death. Because if she wasn't directly involved, then she and I had talked about it. I talked to her about everything. And she cared about everything I had to say. I find myself trying to keep that link up even now. For example when I'm shopping, I might pick something in her favorite color instead of mine so that every time I look at it I think of her.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.

I used to leave notes like this one for her when she and my Dad would go out of dates and leave us home with a sitter.

Conversations

In the house I grew up in, there was a "room-closet" in the middle of the hall on the second floor. It was too big to be a closet and too small to be a room. It contained the entrance to our attic. I've always been afraid of mice/rats and I remember standing below the stair case that pulled down while my Dad went up to find something. I asked, "Dad, are there any mice up there?!" He replied, "No, there's no mi- oh no! A MOUSE!" accompanied with a very high-pitched scream to add drama. His wasn't the only high-pitched scream. He totally got me.

Anyway, that little "room-closet" was where my Mom kept the ironing board. (There have been too many digressions from the point of this story already but I have to add here that on the floor of this room was a burn mark from where my sister Julia left the iron on the floor for some reason and nearly burned our house down.)

I remember once when I was very young and the house was quiet I walked by the little ironing room and was startled to see my Mom on the floor reading. She was crying. I asked, "What are you doing?" She looked at me and said in a quiet voice, "I'm reading my mother's journal." And then I did something that I've regretted ever since. I said, "oh..." and I walked away. It wasn't that I didn't care. I remember feeling so sad for her. I wanted to give her a big hug. I think I must have thought that she just wanted to be alone. But every time I look back on that moment, I think about the chance I missed to offer my mom so comfort when she needed it. And about how there was one obvious and simple thing to do: give her a hug. Years later, when I was around 19 or 20, I told my Mom that I had something I wanted to apologize for. I cried and I told her about that time in the room/closet when I found her reading her Mom's journal and I walked away and didn't give her a hug. She just kind of laughed and said, "Oh sweetheart..." and gave me a big hug.

I don't like talking to Franny about anything evil, wrong, or sad. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. But she's quickly growing out of the stage where I can hide everything that's unpleasant from her. I feel like the way I've been dealing with my Mom's death has been pretty healthy. I find ways to keep her a part of my life. I think of her often. I try to remember the things she taught me and I talk to my kids about her. About her. Not about what happened to her and why we don't get to see her anymore.

There have been shockingly few conversations between Franny and I about my mother's passing. I mean, it's been nearly a year and a half. And sure, she's still very young. But you'd think that when it happened there would have been some conversation. When we rushed out to California with no planning and everyone was there except for Grandma, you'd think something would have been said about why. When I heard her saying, "Grandma's not here," doesn't it seem like I'd sit down and have a little conversation with her about why she wasn't there? Well, I didn't.

Franny and I stayed home from church today because she's sick. She asked me to come into the playroom so she could make me "dinner." I hate being in that room when it's in its current state. Sophie's in the stage where kids think that playing is dumping everything out of its container. I was hanging up one of her dress-up-dresses and asked her a question that sparked possibly the most important conversation she and I have ever had.

Me: Who gave you this dress for Christmas?
(Blank stare.)
Me again: Grandpa gave you this dress.
Franny: A lot of Grandpa's?
Me: Well you have Grandpa Howard, and Grandpa Warner. So you have two that we call Grandpa. You also have a Poppy. He's your grandpa, too. So you have THREE grandpa's.
Franny: What about Richard? He's a grandpa?
Me: He's not your Grandpa. He's your Uncle.
Franny: What about Kristy?
Me: She's your aunt. She's your Aunt Kristy.


A pause, and then Franny asks: Where is Grandma? (I knew she was talking about my Mom because Bobby's mom we affectionately call Nona.)
Me, with my full attention now: Grandma died, sweetheart.
Franny: She died? (Pause.) How did she died?
Me: Grandma got sick, and she died. She went to live with Heavenly Father.
(Tears welling up in her eyes as well as mine.)
Franny: She feels sad.
Me: You know what, Franny? Grandma loves you.
(Sad eyes)
Me: Do you miss Grandma?
Franny: No. (Although it's obvious by the look in her eyes that she really does.)
I say, "do you want to come with me and look at my special book about Grandma?"
Franny: No. (But she looks so sad that I scoop her up in my arms and take her down to my bedroom where the book is.)

(Snapfish and Oprah teamed up for a give-away last month and I made a book with my favorite pictures of my Mom and I, as well as some with her and my kids, and some stories about her as well.)

Me: Who's this?
Franny: That's me.
Me: No, that's mommy when she was little like you. And this is Grandma.

Me: Who's this?
Franny: That's baby Franny.
Me: That's right! Do you see that little picture between our heads of Grandma with her mommy?
Franny: No.
me: Okay... (not wanting to push it)


Franny: Who's that?
Me: That's me with Grandma and Grandpa.
Franny: No, that's not. That's me. That's you.
Then a little argument ensued over who was who and I decided to skip ahead to some more recent pictures.


Again I ask, "Do you miss Grandma?"
With tears in her eyes but still no crying, she said, "Yes."
I wasn't so strong. With a shaky voice and tears spilling down my cheeks, I said, "I miss her, too."
Franny: "What's wrong, Mommy?"
I didn't answer. I just gave her a big hug and I told her how much her grandma loves her and that someday, we'll get to see her again.
Then I asked her one of her favorite questions: "How do you feel?"
She replied, "Sad."

I wanted to get this all down because I didn't want to forget any of it. Now that I have I feel kind of relieved. I never meant to keep any of this from my daughter, but I think I felt like neither of us were ready for this conversation until just recently.

Entertaining with Marianne Sant Warner

A few people have asked me about this cookbook that I made for my Dad with all my mother's best recipes and some of our other family favorites. It's finished now and anyone can order it through blurb.com. You can even preview the first eighteen pages or so, which oddly don't really cover many of my Mom's recipes. Most of hers come later in main dishes and desserts.

Entertaining with Marianne Sant Warner by Katherine Warner Fields

This is the third book I've made with blurb and I have been so happy with them. Just to warn you, though- it's really expensive for a cookbook. And they really get you with the shipping and the tax. I'm still grateful for the service they provide though.

Green Necklace

A year ago today a very good friend of mine moved away from the place where I live. A week later another very good friend was scheduled to move away. This happens every July when the second year med students leave for rotations and I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that every July I'm going to be sending off some really close friends.

But I often think about that day in particular. July 14, 2007. One year ago today.

We woke up early and Bobby went to the Pace's house to help load up their moving truck. Bobby needed some medicine from so I did something that at that time was totally out of character for me. I took both children to Walmart by myself. At that time Franny was not invited on shopping trips. Especially to Walmart. She was difficult to manage and she would often scream or run away from me and almost always caused a scene. It was not really a problem because I could just do all my shopping while she was at school. But Bobby needed me to go this particular morning and so I mustered up the courage and faced one of my biggest fears at that time: WALMART WITH TWO CHILDREN.

It actually went pretty well. We didn't need to be there long so we picked up what we needed and passed by a jewelry clearance rack. There was a long beaded green necklace that caught Franny's eye. I looked at the tag. $3.50. I thought, "Why not? We can swing that." So now that Franny was entertained by the green necklace I thought why not pick up a few more items. We shopped for a little while longer and then headed to the cashier's line. (I didn't want to push my luck.)

As we approached the cashier I started to get anxious. It had always been difficult to convince Franny that she needed to surrender whatever treat we were bribing her with long enough for the cashier to ring it up and hand it back. I was getting to the point where I really understood that negative behavior should not be reinforced so I felt prepared to deal with an outburst and proceeded to ask Franny to hand the necklace to the nice lady ringing us up. She flipped out. Lost it completely. I asked her once more to give the necklace to the cashier, and when she continued to throw her fit I calmly explained to Franny in simple words that we would not be buying the necklace today. Unfortunately I had parked in front of the OTHER end of the store, so while Franny screamed and screamed, I gripped the handle bar of the cart and with my head held high with resolve and determination I ignored her screams and the stares of many people around me and walked along the front of the store in front of the bank, the guest services desk, the salon, and the picture studio when Franny suddenly stopped screaming and said, "I'm sorry Mommy."

What? Did she just say, "sorry mommy"? I felt my heart soar. She had started to use words but I had never heard her come up with a "sorry" on her own with out any prompts. I knew exactly what to do. Instead of walking out of the store with what little dignity I had left, I veered to the left towards the jewelry section, grabbed another clearanced green necklace and we tried the whole thing again. Franny handed over the necklace after only being asked once, we paid for it and we've never had that problem again. (With Franny anyway. See here how Sophie is following in her footsteps.)

Kind of a small little breakthrough in my limited experience of parenting, but it was a big enough deal that I called my Mom on my cell phone as soon as we got into the car. I was thrilled that I had done something well and taught Franny a lesson. My mom listened closely to the story and she seemed just as thrilled as I was. We talked about it for quite a while and though I don't remember exactly what she said, I remember feeling happy that I was sharing that experience with her.

After that we headed over to the Pace's to help them clean. Then after the house was completely emptied, Ashley and I had a yummy girl's lunch where we talked about the name of the restaurant we would someday open. We sent her and Abbey off and felt pretty sad the rest of the day. Now we had to prepare for sending off the Sessions and Miss Franny's BFF Alyssa. I made cookies that afternoon- they were Heath Bar Toffee Cookies. They were delicious and I called Jill to see if we could come over and play and bring dessert. Then I got an email from my farewatcher (a great service from Travelocity) alerting me of cheap tickets to California. I got on the phone with my mom again to tell her that maybe we could afford a trip out there this summer. She got really excited and we threw around a few ideas for a short family vacation in August- maybe we could get a beach house in Carlsbad or something. I told her about the cookies I made and then she said, "I can't believe this! I just made those cookies two weeks ago for the very first time!" Call waiting interrupted and I checked to see who it was and said, "Oh mom, I better go. It's my friend. I'll call you later. I love you." We went to the Sessions spend some time together. My plan for the week was to soak up as much Jill and Alyssa time as possible before they left for Utah. My Mom and I had been on the phone a lot the previous week. She was very sympathetic and listened as I told her I had no idea what I would say to Franny when she asked for Alyssa. How could I explain to her in words that she could understand why she couldn't play with her whenever she wanted?

We came home and I fell asleep on the floor after trying and failing to beat the Legend of Zelda for NES. School for Bobby had just let out and we were feeling pretty care-free. Then the phone rang at about 11:30 PM. Bobby didn't get to it in time, but he saw it was my brother Richard. He didn't really think anything of it because he figured Richard had forgotten about the time difference and was just calling to chat. The phone rang again close to 1:00 AM. This time Bobby made sure to answer it and he knew it meant bad news. It was my dad. Bobby woke me up and I immediately felt scared. My Dad was calling with the news. My whole life changed during that phone call. We didn't know exactly what was going to happen at that point. But something told me right then that everything was about to change, and whatever was happening right now was going to impact the rest of our lives in a big way.

That green necklace belongs to me now. Every time I look at it I think of those last conversations I got to have with my mother. I spoke with her three different times the two days before she died. They were all three great conversations. Not the kind of conversations a mother and daughter have when they know they're about to say goodbye. Normal conversations- the kind they have on nearly a daily basis, the kind they know they'll be able to pick right back up on the next day. I'm so glad these were my last conversations with my mom. I cherish them. And it's funny how a cheap plastic necklace from Walmart can carry so much meaning for me.

I think I'm always going to hate this day. Something about this day simultaneously brings me farther away from what happened and right back to it all at the same time. And not in a good way. It's been a whole year since those phone conversations and any living memories of my Mom. And everything that's happening right now (face-melting heat, friends moving away, our recent move) are all things that were happening a year ago.

Something I'm extremely grateful for is the kind of mother she was. She was the kind who said "I love you" in every phone conversation. She never held back with her compliments and praises. I know exactly how she felt about me. I will never have to wonder if she is proud of me or if she loves me or if she approves of the decisions I make. These are things I just know. I hope I will follow her example and that my children and husband can say the same about me.

I was always going to post the slide show that was played at my Mom's funeral, but we couldn't find a way to put it online. It's online now and you can view it here if you want.

MARIANNE WARNER 'IN LOVING MEMORY"

My Mom's sewing machine

I snagged my Mom's sewing machine while I was home for the wedding. I figured I better make a break for it while none of my other sisters have any interest in sewing. :) I love having her sewing machine in my house. I can't really explain why, but it just kind of feels like she's nearby when I see it on my table. Those of you who knew my mother know she's an amazing seamstress. She made this:

and these:


and all of these:

She can do anything. Naturally, I've always wanted to enjoy sewing, because I've always wanted to be like her. Cooking has never intimidated me. Pie crusts, bread making, baking in general, yes maybe that once intimidated me because the measurements need to be exact when you're baking and I like to be more flexible when I'm cooking. But sewing freaked me out. It just never came naturally and I screwed up a lot of projects HORRIBLY. I would over-think everything and get nervous working the machine. I always felt like I was going to break something and then my Mom would yell at me. I once asked for her old Singer sewing machine that she hadn't used since either before she got married or before she had kids and she told me no, that she wanted to hold onto it. My Mom's not really the sentimental type. I was totally surprised that she wanted to hold onto something that she was obviously never going to use again. So instead she bought me a Brother Walmart special for Christmas one year. Maybe she recognized that I was not a natural-born seamstress, because she researched what was the best model of the cheapest brands. She gave me a pair of Gingher sewing shears, a 25 dollar Joann's gift certificate, and my brand new sewing machine and I decided my first project would be a pair of pajama pants for Bobby. So one night while Bobby was at his night class, I set to work on my sewing project. I bought a pattern and some cute fabric that actually matched a "quillow" my Mom made for him while he was on his mission. I set up the sewing machine on our kitchen counter because we didn't have a kitchen table and spread out all my tissue paper patterns. I was so confused- I was holding up pieces, trying to decipher which ones I needed, etc. when I started to smell burning. I look up and one of the pieces had caught FIRE from the candle I was burning. Well, I've never seen anything burn that fast. The tissue was burning rapidly and there was ashy pieces of pattern paper EVERYWHERE. Somehow I managed to still sew the pants without the necessary pieces, but the pants ended up being too small for Bobby and even too short for me. Bless his heart, he did wear them once for me.

Also, until a week and a half ago, I did not know to get my bobbin thread to come up and be ready to sew. It's embarrassing to admit. I'm embarrassed, but it's the truth. Thank you Jessica and Jenny for all your help. I'm sure I'll need more but you have both been so helpful. Ashley's birthday was coming up and I had this great idea to give her an apron. Cute sassy aprons seem to be all the rage these days for my demographic. I thought about buying her one, but then I thought, "what if sewed it?" Then I found this tutorial on this girl's blog. It's a great tutorial and really inspired me to start sewing. It is all I want to do now. I've made four aprons so far.



I also made this cute little purse for Franny. We have a reward system in place for her where I give her pennies whenever she makes a good choice. She can trade those pennies in for a bigger reward later. This system is called a token economy. I'll write more on that later. I learned about it at the autism conference I went to a couple weeks ago.



She loves the purse and wants to take it everywhere! It makes me so happy. I adapted this tutorial and didn't bother with the boomerang clip or the ID window and just added some decorative stuff and a strap. Also, I made it just a little bigger.

I have to laugh at myself. I mean, I am sort of notorious for never finishing projects. This is not really me to get into these projects. I mean, I've been to Walmart three (or is it four) times this week to pick up more fabric and sewing notions. Just ask Betsy if she's gotten the baby quilt for baby Emma yet. Oh yeah, how old is she now? Almost 2 1/2? Sewing makes me feel better. It's probably a combination of wanting to be like her and wanting to do something that would make her happy and proud. So I feel a little embarrassed about being such a super-spaz, but I think I'm just going to roll with it and hey, at least I'm learning to sew!

We all live in a yellow submarine

Today was Miss Sophie's first day in nursery. She LOVED it! And so did I. I came home from church in the BEST mood and I know it's because for once I wasn't wrestling, chasing, and entertaining a tired 18-month old, while simultaneously trying to get Relief Society attendance rolls in three different places, ask two sisters to give the prayer, photocopy newsletters, and still be spiritually edified. It made such a difference!

When church is over, our whole building turns into a freaking zoo. For some reason, one side of the church is practically vacant, and the other side is jam-packed with a bottle-neck every five paces. It's all that a hungry and cranky Mom can do not to flop on the floor and throw a Franny-style tantrum, circa 2006. Okay, it's not that bad, but some of you who read my blog attend church in my building. Have you noticed this phenomenon? Well, like I said, I was in such a good mood today that I didn't even notice the mass hysteria that usually ensues after the third hour of church. Yahoo for nursery! Here are some cute shots I took of her after church today in her new dress from her Grandpa.




I think Sophie should have been born with naturally curly hair. It suits her. My mom loved our hair in curls. We slept in pink sponge curlers every Saturday night when we were kids. So when I decided to curl the girls' hair for Julia's wedding, I did it for her. Now every time I see their hair in curls, it makes me smile because I know how much my Mom would love it. When Franny was a brand-new baby, my mom tried so hard to "scrunch" her hair with a little product. It was pretty funny watching her try and style a newborn baby's hair.

This afternoon we played Duck, duck goose for like half an hour. Then we played London Bridges for a while, and then Ring Around the Rosy. I'm starting to see why having a lot of kids could be a lot of fun. I love watching my girls interact with each other. It is so much fun to watch them learn and grow and become friends. I feel like this week I've had so many of those "moments" that Elder Ballard described in his talk. Lately, when Sophie (who by the way is uber-clutzy) hurts herself, Franny runs to her side to give her comfort and ask if she is okay. Tonight I feel really happy. I often feel happy, but ever since my Mom died that happy feeling is kind of laced with a sadness that just doesn't go away. I think that's probably normal. It hasn't even been a year yet. But sometimes that layer of sadness is lifted for a little while, and for once it just doesn't hurt as much as it did the night before. I am grateful for nights like tonight.

Is Sophie flipping me off in this picture? What's up with that?

Sunday Dinner

My mom would make corned beef and cabbage often for St. Patrick's Day. This isn't actually her recipe, because every time I would call her for the recipe she'd get all vague with her directions and be like, "you know, just stick it in the crockpot..." I did finally find a recipe that tastes as good to me as when she used to make it. I usually serve it with cabbage, but last Sunday we ate it with salad and mashed potatoes instead.

Corned Beef and Cabbage

INGREDIENTS

• 1 (5 1/2 pound) corned beef brisket
• 2 tablespoons pickling spice
• 1 large orange, sliced in rounds
• 2 stalks celery, sliced
• 1 large onion, sliced
• 1/2 cup cold water
• 6 tablespoons margarine, divided
• 1 large head cabbage, cored and sliced
• 1 cup Golden Delicious apples, cored and quartered with peel
• 1/4 cup cold water

DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C). Line a 9x13 inch roasting pan with aluminum foil, leaving enough extra extending over the sides to cover and seal in the roast.
2. Rinse the brisket, and pat dry. Rub with pickling spice, and place in the prepared roasting pan. Arrange celery, orange and onion slices on and around the roast. Pour in 1/2 cup of water, and wrap aluminum foil up over the roast tightly, making sure the ends are sealed.
3. Bake for about 4 hours in the preheated oven, or until meat is tender.
4. About 45 minutes before the roasts time is up, heat 3 tablespoons of margarine and 1/4 cup of water in a large pot. Add cabbage and apples, cover, and simmer over low heat for about 30 minutes. Occasionally shake the pot so that nothing sticks to the bottom. Serve with remaining margarine and sliced corned beef.

I served it with a creamy horeseradish dressing just like my Dad taught me. Just whip up a little bit of whipping cream and fold in some horseradish.

I have kind of a fun memory attached to this dinner, so I thought it would be fun to record it here.

When Bobby and I had been dating for about six months, my mother came to Ricks to visit for Mother's week. It was the first time she met Bobby. She drove in with Phyllis (Annie's mom) late at night and Bobby came over so I could introduce them. He wore a suit! Just to meet my Mom! He knew how close my mom and I were and he really wanted to make a good impression. She laughed and gave him a big hug. She left on a Sunday, but before they got on the road, she made a big corned beef dinner in this crockpot that my Aunt Edna had sent me. (That's actually a story in and of itself- my mom and dad made a game out of trying to give my Aunt Edna and Uncle Merlin a gift they would actually keep. After my mom gave Edna the crockpot, she called and thanked her and said she thought I should have it and asked for my address in Idaho. My 19-year old roommates and I were perplexed: what the heck were we going to do with a crockpot? My idea of cooking at the time was ramen and mac and cheese. I liked Bobby's suggestion: wouldn't it make a nice home for a potted plant?) The corned beef was a huge hit and then my Mom gave gifts to all my roommates- cute little backpacks from Jack's surf shop in Huntington Beach. My friend emailed me right after my Mom died to tell me she still has it. We spent time with Annie and Phyllis, too. Just like the old days in Faire Marin. It was a great visit.

Happy Birthday Sophie!

My Soapy is turning one today! I can't believe how quickly this year has passed and I feel so blessed that Sophie is part of our little family. Sophie was born right in the thick of a very hectic time, with the autism diagnosis looming, Franny's ABA therapy starting, and Bobby's starting the infamous 5th quarter of medical school. I remember being terrified of having to care for two kids before Sophie came, having felt a little stretched with just Franny. But I remember feeling after she was born that the timing of her birth was not another challenge to add to the list of things I needed to endure, but actually a blessing to help me cope with the trials I was facing. There were many times last fall where I felt pushed to my limits (poor Franny was having a typical reaction to a major change in diet and beginning an intensive behavior therapy program) and often feeling very frustrated, my eyes would fall to the tiny baby in my arms and she'd be waiting to meet my gaze and I would feel a wave of peace settle over me. This happened countless times. She is such a good sister to Franny and the two of them love to laugh and play together.

Some interesting facts about Sophie:
1.) Her roots are kind of blonde-ish and her ends are dark brown. She has A LOT of hair.
2.) When she was an infant, she would sometimes go 2 weeks between bowel movements. (gross, sorry).
3.) She sometimes laughs like a robot.
4.) She waves bye, signs for "more" and knows how to use hand sanitizer.
5.) She loves the theme music to The Office and she'll dance to it.
6.) Her favorite food is peas.
7.) She likes to pretend to talk on the phone, but when she does, I get the distinct impression that she's in a hurry and doesn't have a lot of time for small-talk.
8.) She can say grandpa (bampa) but not Dad. :)
9.) Her dad loves her anyway.
10.) So does her mom. But then again, she can say "mama." :)

I've been thinking a lot about when my Mom came to help me with Sophie last year. Originally she planned her trip for about 9 days, but when it was time for her to go she called my Dad and said she felt like I could use her help a little longer and she ended up staying for two weeks! I used to joke often that the only way I could get my family out here for a visit was by having a baby! (Thank goodness that's no longer true because my Dad and my sisters are coming for Thanksgiving!) With a time-consuming church calling, teenage kids at home, and many other responsibilities, it wasn't easy for her to get away. We had such a nice visit. She got to the hospital the night Sophie was born at about 9 pm. I was so excited to see her! We talked for about an hour until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, and she stayed in the room with me holding the baby until about midnight. When I came home from the hospital she had a big meal prepared and had stocked the kitchen with all kinds of treats and snacks for us to enjoy. Everytime Sophie needed a bath, my Mom did it. It was the same with Franny. I used to joke that I never get to bathe my babies until they're about 10 days old because my Mom insisted it was her job. My mom also took a huge interest in Franny's gluten-free casein-free diet that we were implementing. She read Karyn Seroussi's book cover-to-cover and made the 90 minute trip to the closest health food store in Columbia to pick up some much-needed ingredients, making a stop at baby Gap and Gymboree for some necessary grandchild-spoiling. She helped us buy a freezer so that I could prepare large amounts of food for Franny and freeze it for my convenience. Franny had her first dance class while she was here and my Mom bought her her first leotard, tutu, and tights. Franny had a blast dancing with all the other little kids and my Mom had a blast watching her. It was difficult to get her there because of the scheduling of Franny's behavior therapy, but my Mom encouraged me to make it work because she saw how happy it made Franny. We watched movies and the entire second season of the Office, which she had never seen before and loved, except for the sexual harrassment episode. We talked A LOT. It was perfect. I am so glad I had that time with her all to myself. Sophie, I have you to thank for that visit.

Here's some video of my Sophie who recently learned to walk (actually about a month ago she started talking steps. I really need to get better at recording my children's milestones.) Oh yeah, and at the end that's Sophie singing her favorite song.

Post-party phone calls

Tonight I hosted a party to welcome all the new girls in the ward who are med student wives. It's a yearly tradition that started before I moved here and something I really look forward to. I had a lot of anxiety about this party, not because of the party itself- that was a cinch. A room full of fun women and no children- just good food and conversation? Yes, please.

What I was anxious about was after the party, when I sit down on the couch and call my mom so we can evaluate the night and talk about what worked and what didn't. She has been throwing parties for as long as I can remember. I loved helping her get ready for big parties at our house. My favorite job was and still is polishing the silver serving pieces and wiping off all the tarnish. (My least favorite job was wiping the dust off the silk plants she had.) I would also help her with the food: frosting grapes to go on the Thanksgiving turkey platter, or making chocolate haystacks to serve on little candy trays, or divinity (she and I recently had an argument about who makes better divinity.) I have called her after every party I have ever hosted. When I threw this party last year, I called her to tell her that our toilet broke right before my guests arrived, so I had to leave a note on the toilet asking people to find me so I could take them to the bathroom in our bedroom! We laughed and laughed about that. We would always talk about that post-party bliss, the great feeling you have after you've thrown a really great party and every one has gone home. You just replay your favorite parts of the night over and over in your head and think about them as you fall asleep... She and I both love that.

I am glad to get this first party over with though. I knew the first one would be hard, because the thought crossed my mind shortly after it happened. No more post-party phone calls with my Mom? I'd say, "Hi Mom, I just had a party. You know how I always have to call you after I have a party." And she would giggle and listen to me describe in detail my favorite parts of the night. I knew she loved these conversations as much as I did, because we both enjoy entertaining so much, and she taught me everything there is to know about throwing a party. She could take pride in my successes as a hostess because I learned so much from watching her. Like I said, I'm glad this first one is over. Tonight when I go to sleep, maybe I'll just replay the last post-party phone call I had with her in my head.

I served her favorite kind of homemade ice cream: raspberry. I'm feeling tired, so I'll post the picture tomorrow maybe. I used the same recipe as I did for the peach on the 4th of July. (Incidentally, my mom made homemade raspberry ice cream on the 4th of July.) I sort of screwed it up by adding too many raspberries, but I think I fixed my mistake by sweetening it with some powdered sugar. I think I'll post the recipe tomorrow, too.

Just a note about my blog- I want to thank all the people who read this blog and post comments or lend support in other ways, with phone calls, emails, or just when we run into each other. I'm probably the most surprised by how personal my blog entries are sometimes and how much I'm sharing here. I'm often rather private when I'm going through hardships or trials and so it's out of character for me to use this blog as a mouthpiece to work out some of my grief. One of the reasons I could afford to be so private in the past is I had two people I completely trust and to whom I could confide all my troubles and fears. While I am incredibly blessed to have my dear husband Bobby, the void my Mom has left is so great that I know there is not one person out there who could ever fill what I am missing so desperately. For whatever reason, this blog and all of you are really helping ease that pain.

I wanted to mention that I told my dad I was kind of nervous about after the party and not being able to call Mom and he jokingly said, "That's easy. Just call me. I was the one who did all the work for the parties anyway." I waited for a second for the lightning to strike from the heavens, but nothing happened.