Monday, March 1, 2010
For as long as I can remember, I've always known that my Mom's birthday was on the first day of March. It's a pretty easy date to remember. Today she would have turned 55. It's the third birthday to have passed since her death and I still don't know what to do with it. Any suggestions? The first year I sent gifts to my family members, because I thought the one way I could do something for my mom was by serving the people she loves the most. Now I feel like if they are lucky enough to have the day pass and not remember, then I don't want to be the one to remind them. Last year I did something but I don't remember what. So obviously not a keeper. I considered briefly this morning baking a cake and having a birthday party, but that just seems kind of weird and I don't really feel like celebrating anything.
I would like to celebrate that I only have a little over a month left for this pregnancy. But it also reminds me that another milestone in my life is approaching that my Mom won't be here to physically witness. I've never left the hospital with a new baby without my Mom there to help and keep me company. It's not that I don't think I can do it without her. I know I can do it. At least I think I can do it. It would just be a lot more fun if she were going to be around.
Maybe the thing to do on her birthday is watch a movie and eat See's candy? Mental note: next February, order some See's candy and have it on the ready for March 1st. You residents of Utah and California don't know how good you have it.
It's been a long time since I've written about my Mom. It's not for lack of thinking of her. She is very often on my mind. And very often discussed in our home, thanks to Sophie. Man, it's a good thing she wasn't old enough to talk when my Mom passed away. I don't think I could have handled it then. This kid is inquisitive- full of questions about my Mom. It's very sweet but sometimes her questions feel a little bit like a kick in the stomach. Of course she doesn't have any idea. The line of questioning usually starts with, "what are my grandma's names?" (Louise and Marianne). "And Louise lives in Idaho?" (yes) "And Marianne died?" (yes) "But I don't want her to died. Can she get better?" She's just curious about Grandma, where she is, what happened to her and why? I've learned to have a sense of humor about her curiosity. The first day we were in California, we were at Julia and Grant's house meeting the babies when my grandparents rode in. Sophie heard all of us calling my Dad's mom, "Grandma," and she ran up to me with excitement and exclaimed, "Grandma's not dead anymore!!" At those moments, when you can either choose to laugh or cry, I try really hard to laugh. But it really makes me happy that she wants to talk about grandma so often. It's very sweet.
Well, I hope one of these years I figure out something to do on her birthday. Something that simultaneously honors her memory, comforts the people she loves the most, and also makes me feel better. Hmmm... sounds like a tall order. Maybe chocolate and a movie is the way to go... I'll let you know. There's got to be some chocolate around here somewhere...