Friday, August 10, 2007

Missing her

Tonight while the girls were in the bath, I sat with them and watched the video from my mom’s funeral on my ipod. It was the first time since we first got back from California. (Last time I tried to watch it I got really emotional so it’s been a while). I made it through the first few minutes before I started to tear up so I put it down. I love watching it. It’s beautiful- especially for how little time we had to compile the pictures and choose the music. Most of the pictures flood me with memories and while I love the way that feels, it makes me stop and wonder how I’m supposed to keep going without her, without that constant voice that almost feels like my life’s narrator with all the advice, encouragement, and reassurance she’s provided for me… always. I find that I’m constantly asking myself things like: “why didn’t I have a file where I kept all her notes and birthday cards from all these years?” and “why didn’t I save those cute messages she left on my voicemail?” Well, the answers to both questions are obvious and one and the same- of course I thought there would be plenty more of those. I was looking through my emails today desperate to read something she had written to me and found hardly anything recent, and I started to wonder why, until I realized that we were on the phone nearly every day. That’s no help to me at all right now. I can’t read our phone conversations.

I looked up from the ipod with tears in my eyes and my two little girls were looking up at me, and I could see my mom in their sweet little faces. So I got them ready for bed and Franny and I settled in on the couch and she took one earbud and I took the other and we watched the rest of the video. I want to be able to look at pictures and videos of Grandma with Franny. I want her memories of her grandma to carry on as long as possible because she and Sophie are the only ones who were privileged enough to be grandmothered by my mom on this earth. My mom loves my girls so much. Several times while we were on the phone in the past few months, when we’d talk about what Franny and Sophie were doing, she would start to cry because she missed them so much. I felt so bad. She would apologize because she wasn’t trying to make me feel bad. I didn’t know this until recently, but sometimes she’d have to get up from the computer while she was looking at my blog, because seeing their pictures reminded her how much she was missing them. Franny loved watching the video with me. I think she and I will watch it often. She especially loved the picture of her kissing Grandma on the cheek.

Before we left California, Bobby suggested I take something of my Mom’s. I didn’t want to take any important fixtures of the house or anything really important to my mom, because I didn’t want to upset things too much for the sake of my sisters and my Dad. I did however want something meaningful to my Mom and I, so I took her beach sandals. My mom has had these since before I was born! She went with my Dad's family to Hawaii when they were first married and bought them there. When I was in high school I wanted these flip-flops and asked her for them a number of times. It became a joke between us. I would ask her every once in a while, knowing full well that her answer would be no. I've been wearing them and once when I saw them on the floor next to the door, for a split-second I actually thought, “my mom’s here!” That was sad, but I got past it and it’s been fun to have something of hers. Also her voice is still on her cell phone recording. I call it every once in awhile just to hear her voice. One of these days I ought to leave a message for her and say, “Ha ha, I got your flip-flops!”

13 comments:

Betsy said...

oh Katherine I feel so much for you and what you are going through. I wish so much that I could come over and visit, eat your yummy food and just be a friend. I love the story of the flip flops and the picture even! Always tell your girls those types of stories, they will always make you smile!

The Zickgraf Family Circus said...

What a great memory to be able to cherish, and through something as simple as sandals. I'm glad your girls had a chance to know their grandma. What a line of strong and beautiful women!

Jodie said...

What a great way to remember your mom- walking in her shoes. Beautiful!

Jill said...

I am so sorry, it must be so hard. I am glad you got her sweet sandals.

TerriLyn said...

I love the sandals, Katherine. They are sweet! You bring me to tears everytime I read your posts about your sweet mother. You write from the heart and I find myself checking your blog everyday to see what you'll write. You inspire me. You are such an amazing girl.

Julia said...

my heart aches for you Kath. You write so beautifully about your mother. Love your toes in Her shoes.

hayley said...

Wow! I wish I had your toes and your talent in writing:) Beautiful just the same!

Ashlie & Jonathan said...

You inspire me. I love how you are real, open, and honest about your feelings. Thank you so much for sharing.

I love your sandals too. =) What a fun memories from a cute pair of sandals!

Your mom's example & legacy are still touching so many lives. I hope I get to meet her in the eternities someday.

mom2mm said...

You are such a gifted writer. It makes me cry every time I read about your mom! What a great thing to have her shoes!

Chrissie said...

Katherine! I love you so much. You are so amazing. Reading your blog makes my day! Your writing is so eloquent. I love hearing about your relationship with your mom that I have observed for years. I saw the sandals and started to laugh. Those totally remind me of your mom and all the trips to the beach. I never knew you wanted them. They look great after all these years. You know what's funny. Seeing your feet in her sandals reminded me of something. I remember your mom holding me in her lap when I was little and looking at my hands and feet. She told me I had Sant hands and feet and they looked like her own. I was always proud of my hands and feet after she said that, even if they are alittle big for my body and clammy. Now they will always remind me of Aunt Marianne.

julie said...

I am so glad you got her shoes! When I read your post about your closet, I thought, "she needs something of her mom's to put in there, like her shoes." I'm glad you have something that is chock full of memories. I miss her, too.

cindy said...

Katherine:

I love to read your blog. It makes me smile every time. I love your feet in your mothers shoes. It is very prolific or metiphoric. I know you will be filling them in more than one way.
I hope you are having fun with Annie. I can just see you two with your kids just laughing and having a nice time together. I love you guys and wish I could come and give you a hug every day. Thanks for writing down your thoughts. It lifts me up and helps me get through too.
Those sandles remind me of all our trips to the beach oh what such good times.
love you,
cindy

Melody said...

Katherine, this blog medium is REALLY working for you. You are such a great writer and the way you express yourself invites the rest of us in in a way that really helps us connect with you and with humanity. We all are looking for this deeper kind of connection with each other and we try to find this deep humanity in TV and movies and in our relationships, but it's a rare gift that you are giving us. Thank you. You are such a beautiful person. Maybe someday you will publish your blog from this part of your life for more people to read and be edified by.

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